Tragic: Scoobert “Scooby” Doo Has Been Let Go By The Mystery Gang

Jared Schlinger

LOS ANGELES, CA — Ruh-roh folks, looks like those wonderful childhood memories of Scoob and the gang solving mysteries are now nothing but memories, just like the ghosts and ghouls they caught were nothing more than fiends in costume.

Citing financial concerns and lack of work ethic, Fred Jones, the informal leader of Mystery, Incorporated, told the Daily Taradiddle on Tuesday that Scooby-Doo has been terminated from his position as Mystery Associate.

“The Mystery industry definitely isn’t what it used to be, and zoinks, if there was ever a time to trim the fat it’s now,” Fred told reporters. “We know that this might hurt our public image, but looking at the cost-benefit analyses, jeepers, we realized it just wasn’t feasible to keep a talking dog on the team.”

Established in 1976, Mystery Incorporated has been instrumental in the arrest of over 200 embittered, monster-impersonating, criminals. Not all of these suspects were able to be convicted because the legally ambiguous methods of the mystery gang left much evidence inadmissible in court; for example, evidence gathered without a warrant by accidentally falling through a trap door, or activating a false bookshelf wall when looking for snacks, is in fact trespassing and invalid in a court of law.

“If I’m being honest, I think this decision was a long time coming,” commented bespectacled detective whiz Velma Dinkley. “He was never great at solving mysteries, and while he probably had a lot of potential for finding clues, like, jinkies, it seemed like he spent most of his energy looking for snacks.”

Time will tell whether this decision was the right one for the gang. One has to imagine that much of the infamy of the gang came on account of the canine crime-stopper.

When asked to comment on his employment status, Scooby limited his comments to a simple, dejected “Scooby-dooby-doo.” His tone was not at its usual exuberance.

Fred ensures us that Scooby received a generous severance package, and has another job lined up at a farm upstate. For reasons unknown, it appears Fred has elected to keep Shaggy on the team.