By J. F. Pennyworth These days, it’s nearly unavoidable to be discouraged by the work ethic (or, perhaps more aptly described, lack thereof) of today’s young people. That’s why it is so inspiring to see the mold broken by some upstanding members of the community who care deeply about an honest day’s work. This week, … Continue reading Team of Traffic Cones Really Doing Their Job!
Local Man Better Than Everyone Else
Steven Sterns DENVER, CO — Take a seat everybody, here comes the big man on campus! Greg Peters over here is definitely much more interesting, valuable, and just plain better than everyone else. The search is over, ladies and gents! Humankind finally has its knight in shining armor, a leader who can really tell us … Continue reading Local Man Better Than Everyone Else
Tragic: Scoobert “Scooby” Doo Has Been Let Go By The Mystery Gang
Jared Schlinger LOS ANGELES, CA — Ruh-roh folks, looks like those wonderful childhood memories of Scoob and the gang solving mysteries are now nothing but memories, just like the ghosts and ghouls they caught were nothing more than fiends in costume. Citing financial concerns and lack of work ethic, Fred Jones, the informal leader of … Continue reading Tragic: Scoobert “Scooby” Doo Has Been Let Go By The Mystery Gang
Mayor Declares Emojis Unlawful For Use In Police Reports
Alyssa Turnage SPRINGLEAF, CA — In a surprising turn of events on capital hill this week, Mayor Gene Athenson issued a mandate on Tuesday that emojis will henceforth be unlawful for use in police reports — effective immediately. Fortunately, this mandate applies specifically to police reports, and non-police reports are still in the clear. In … Continue reading Mayor Declares Emojis Unlawful For Use In Police Reports
Unattractive Fireman Once Again Asked to Be Cameraman for Calendar Photoshoot
Jason Ramblin PASADENA, CA — As assignments were passed around Tuesday for the 2020 Pasadena Fireman’s Calendar, Jim Aeneid, a pudgy, recently divorced, and all-in-all down on his luck fireman was once again asked to act as cameraman for the department’s Photoshoot. “The way it works is pretty simple,” said eye-candy Captain Rich “Jawline” Jenkins … Continue reading Unattractive Fireman Once Again Asked to Be Cameraman for Calendar Photoshoot
Disappointing: Reports Unclear Whether Jessica K. Likes Me
By Jim Aeneid GRAND RAPIDS, MI — Subsequent to the passing-back of a note during social studies class, it is still unclear whether Jessica K. likes me or not. The note was originally written after teacher of the 6th period class, Mr. Thompson, began the day’s video. Composed in the archetypal format of “Do you … Continue reading Disappointing: Reports Unclear Whether Jessica K. Likes Me
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