Alyssa Turnage
SPRINGLEAF, CA — In a surprising turn of events on capital hill this week, Mayor Gene Athenson issued a mandate on Tuesday that emojis will henceforth be unlawful for use in police reports — effective immediately. Fortunately, this mandate applies specifically to police reports, and non-police reports are still in the clear.
In many ways, technological advances📲 of recent decades have allowed Springleaf PD 👮♀️to be much more efficient and effective. It would appear that this trend📈 of tech use may have come to a peak🏔 with the initiation of emojis into reports🗒.
“It started shortly after we realized we could file reports from our smartphones,” reported Captain👨✈️ Will Burress of SPD. “At first, the use of a mobile device increased not only the expediency with which our reports were filed, but the willingness of our officers to do their paperwork in the first place. It wasn’t long before officers started throwing the occasional 🔪 instead of knife, 👶 instead of baby, or 💥 instead of gunshot wound. At first it was fun for everybody, but I’ll be the first to admit, it got a little out of hand.”
Police statistics🧮 show that initially, integrated emoji’s made reports more concise and accurate🕵🏼♂️, since officers were filing them closer to the time of the incident. But it would seem that these Icaruses flew too close to the ☀️.
Though he did not say much at the press conference🎙📝 for this mandate, Mayor Athenson stated, “ultimately, this is an issue of effective communication and professionalism.”
It is difficult to say🤔 what exactly prompted the Mayor’s👨⚖️ decision, but inside sources🤫 in the police department👮♀️👮♂️ suggest that the straw🎋 that broke the camel’s back🐪 was probably related to a recent uptake⤴️ in the activity🚵♀️ of local gang, “The Eggplant Drips”.
The Daily Taradiddle 
Did a policeman write this review?
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